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About Other / Student Member Melanie-sama20/Female/Netherlands Groups :icondown-with-homophobes: Down-With-Homophobes
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  • Mood: Distressed
  • Drinking: Tea
Okay, this isn't funny anymore, anxiety. =/ I've been having a lot of paranoid thoughts lately, especially about being seen as insensitive, mean or downright evil. Okay, not counting all the Notes saying I'm the devil in person here, because those are just your run-of-the-mill idiots, and I've really stopped giving a shit about those. Anyhow, if I disappear from the net for a few days: that's really not because I don't want to talk to you. It's more because I'm so scared I'll say something that'll offend you that I simply can't log on, to the point that my heart is just pounding in my chest at the mere thought of going online.

I wouldn't say it's a full-blown paranoia or anxiety issue, but it's really the only words I have for it. And it's shorter then 'USUALLY unreasonable fear of unknowingly asking about a sensitive subject, accidentally offending people and generally being an awkward fuck'. :D Fear of ending up hurting the people I don't want to hurt has kept me awake until 01:00 AM on occasion, but I don't have it on a daily basis. I've had consecutive weeks where I didn't worry at all, or an entire month. There's hardly an event or string of events that really triggers the fear. But my friendships have been extremely fragile in the past: One wrong word, and people just cut me out of their lives. Though this time there kind of was something that made my thoughts go downhill again, which was finding out Jake is the stereotype of a bullying victim, and the stereotype of a 'wuss' we see in tv shows/movies/etc. So while I'm offline again trying to shut these thoughts down, I think I'll do a little overhaul on his backstory once I'm a little calmer then today.

I just wanted to let you all know that there's really nothing that's triggering my paranoia, it's really just me. ^^;


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Artist | Student | Other
Warning, I rage a lot.
Beware. If you llama me, I'll llama back. :paranoid:


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GirlWithTheGingerCat Featured By Owner 10 hours ago  New member Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the faves~!!
Melanie-sama Featured By Owner 8 hours ago  Student Artist
No problem ^^
NyappyHoi Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Give ♥ This♥ To ♥ The ♥ Twelve ♥ Nicest ♥ People ♥ You ♥ Know ♥ If ♥ You ♥ Get ♥ Five ♥ Back ♥ You ♥ Must ♥ Be ♥ Perfect.
kiff57krocker Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hello Ms. Melanie.  I haven't heard from you in a while.  So, how're things in the land of tulips, windmills and wooden clogs?  :D (Big Grin) 
Melanie-sama Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Student Artist
Well, kind of chaotic I'd say. ^^; It's still not sure if I'm still in school next year and I've been having a lot of fearful thoughts for no reason.

Though on a more positive note: I've been cleaning out that HUGE stack of drawings in my bookcase, and found some old ideas that were great to begin with, but I lacked the skill to do it justice back then. A bit of redrawing should do the trick just fine. :D That, and things are finally going better between me and my dad.
kiff57krocker Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Well, for starters, I'm glad to hear that things are getting better between you and your father.  As for school, though I'm not your father, please let me give some fatherly advice: Stay in school.  Stick with it no matter what.  Because if you neglect your education, your life will be a shambles, trust me on that.  I've seen it happen to others far too many times in my life, and I'm nearly 60.  As for these fearful thoughts you're having, I cannot comment.  That's between you, your parents and possibly a counselor.  As for your old art ideas, I'm happy that you're applying yourself to finishing them.  I'm sure they'll turn out fabulous.
As for my art life, I've added some new works to my gallery.  Check 'em out sometime, won't you?  Take care, Ms. Melanie and stay well.  :D (Big Grin) 
Melanie-sama Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Student Artist
Ah, a few more arts with the iconic Betty Boop :D Can't beat classic beauty.

I'd love to stay in school, honestly. My school diploma isn't the best at all: it's the highest of the lowest. Adding to that is an economical crisis the Netherlands can't seem to drag itself out(Thank you, politicians... =/ ). So my chances on the market are terrible. A lot of people DO say I come off as intelligent, but what companies really want is a slip of paper to prove it. And since I want to get into one of the higher positions in the gaming industry, I'll have to chew through more school if I want to get there. I just hope I can find an alternative to this one. My situation would involve A LOT of added pressure next year, and pressure was exactly what caused me to cave in  and fail this year.
My problem, however, is that my intelligence lies outside of the grading system in schools. I can recite exactly why King Louie XVI was NOT my favourite historical king or how explain how meiosis works in a calm setting, for example at the dinner table with my parents. But on a test, I just can't reach my knowledge because of fear. Usually there's a lot riding on a test like that, and sometimes it's hard for me to know exactly what part of my knowledge of the subject they want to see on that piece of paper.
Especially learning new languages comes naturally to me. In general: if a subject interests me and a teacher challenges me to better myself, I'll score fantastic grades. I was the second best English student in my class: right next to that guy who studied all night long to get the highest grade, but I really think he deserves that first place more then me. I've never studied for an English test in my entire school career, since I've spoken the language since I was 6. But I got bored out of my skull during that class, because the teacher never gave me any harder assignments. She did blame me for chatting to my friend(who had English roots and was also fluent in the language) during classes, but if I finish a whole page of questions in a few minutes, then at least give me something else to do. I mean, one day I came in late because of a weekly appointment at another school. That week I had a test, and had 10-15 minutes left to make it when I entered the classroom. I didn't have the books required for it either. I finished the test with time left and did the reading assignments from memory: I scored 90/100 points. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but that should be a bit of a red flag that a student needs a challenge.
(1 Reply)
DaneOfScandinavy Featured By Owner 2 days ago
Thanks for the fave.
Melanie-sama Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Student Artist
No problem, that stamp about the more radical feminists was pretty much right. ^^
Atteo Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Student Traditional Artist
Thanx for :+devwatch:
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